Dear A Haunted House,

Rick does not enjoy his stay in this haunted house.

Damn, people! I mean what the hell were you thinking? Okay, you weren’t, but still where do I start? Okay, at the beginning, this looks like a spoof, or perhaps a parody or does it get a new term such as spoofarody? Sometimes it’s easy to see the Paranormal Activity, or The Devil Inside, references and other times …

Okay let me back up. The shell of a found footage story is based on Marlon Wayans as Malcolm agreeing to have his long-term girlfriend Kisha move in with him. Malcolm being a visually fixated horn dog starts filming the whole move in process and later wants to catch bedroom antics etc. Then bang!, this thing goes with off the rails when he is waiting for her to get out of the bedroom and soils and abuses some stuffed animals on the bed leading to a bizarre teddy bear Ménage à trios that leaves me feeling a bit queasy at the over the top antics.

Then immediately thereafter there is the explosive flatulence that has me see Kisha in a whole new way. Okay I admit, I laughed there but it was uber-weird nonetheless. Shortly thereafter I start to wonder if this is a spoofarody of a porn parody on the titles I mentioned earlier and then it really starts to get strange. When the ghost violates her and then him and the psychic hits on him and the good friend trys to peddle his gang bang loving girlfriend in a swap scenario I lose track what the hell porn this steaming pile is trying to spoof on after a while.

Of course, when he gets cameras installed in every room in the house to try to catch the ghost/succubus/whatever the hell it is, then each new day starts with a whole new highlight reel of insanity that makes no sense and gets more unhinged as time goes on.

Then the miraculous happens, it just stops. I mean yeah there is The Devil Inside rip-off stuff toward the end that sort of tries to channel The Watch, kinda. And of course there is the crazy awkward stumbled upon gangbang scene with the friend and his slut girlfriend, but after that nothing really happens.

I mean there just isn’t an end, it just stops. I didn’t know what to do, I had never seen a movie that didn’t have a genuine end. I was froze for a moment and then kind snuck out of the theater like I was in a trench coat at porn movie house that sits across from the old folks home where you have to walk the walk of shame in front of all the old ladies. I don’t think I have ever felt so defiled before. Remember when your mother told you, you would go blind? Yeah, that’s what happens when you see this. All hail the easy worst film of 2013 and I think I will just go scrub in the shower for a while.

Rot in the 7th ring of hell you piece of shit

Rick

Rick Sandlas

About Rick Sandlas

Rick is an equal opportunity, un-degreed, movie nut that wrote too much PR in the 90’s and 00’s and tries to make up for that nurturing his inner 10 year old and consulting him regularly on all important movie opinions. Follow on twitter @filmric .